This puts a lot of pressure on the two people being described, as if their connection could set of such a reaction in the world. run-on? Can I suggest that you break after "each other" and begin this as "we somehow knew" or something along those lines? That way the first lines (the concrete actions) and the next part (the more abstract knowing) are kept apart. In some pieces I think participles work well to show how a lot of things are happening at once but I think "looking" and "knowing" so close together is a little distracting, makes things seem a little too. Face to face now makes the reader realise that there are only two people. The capital letter in Face made me break the four lines apart and I think they would benefit from being all together. I also like the recurring "s" sound, it implies whispering - a kind of hush which links with the rest of the poem.īefore this, I don't think you need a fullstop, I think a comma would be fine since this is linked to the beginning - the people are sitting in the room face to face. This would keep it short but still say a lot more.
One minor thing I would suggest however is to remove the word "there", since it implies "in a place" and you've already specified the place. The best poems suggest a lot from not a lot of words, and you are successful here. We now know there are at least two people involved, that the narrator is addressing the person who probably owns the room, and that the scent is going to play a big part in the coming lines. I can't say a lot about this, it's a nice way to set the scene. Remember this is my personal take on your poem and is not meant to cause offence: I'm only here to help. You can choose to take on board as many or as few of my suggestions as you see fit. Hello, I'm here to critique this piece on behalf of LITPlease.
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